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첫 번째 직장은, 소규모 사기업의 전형이었다. 열심히 일하고 열심히 야근하고, 열심히 돈을 벌었다. 열심히 욕하면서 다녔지만 아직도 석사과정 학비와 생활비 걱정 없이 돈을 모을 수 있게 해 준 데 대해서는 감사하고 있다.
두 번째 직장은, 뜻이 맞는 사람들과 뜻이 맞는 일을 하는 곳이었다. 사람들이 흔히 NGO라고 부르는 곳. 당시 함께 일했던 사람은, 부당한 일이 벌어졌을 때 거리로 나가 그 부당함에 대해 얘기할 수 있다는것이 이 일의 가장 좋은 점이라고 말했다. 나는 몇 년이 지나서야 그의 말이 얼마나 소중하고 통찰력 있는 것이었는지 깨달았다.
세 번째 직장은… 이 블로그 어딘가에도 있을 텐데, 이소라의 “curse”를 주문처럼 외고 다녔던 곳이다. 여기까지만.
네 번째 직장은 첫 번째 직장이었다. 세 번째 직장에서 학을 뗀 나는 다시는 니네랑 안 놀아! 하는 심정으로, 마침 와 달라고 손짓하던 첫 번째 직장에 다시 들어갔다. 내 가치관 따위는 토끼 간처럼 숨겨두고, 다시 열심히 돈만 벌면 되었다. 나의 역량은 여전했고 나는 예전처럼 회사에 없어서는 안 될 사람이 되었으나 결국 사장의 “장애자”라는 말을 들어 넘기지 못해 회사를 박차고 나왔으니, 내 간은 집에 얌전히 붙어 있는 걸론 성에 차지 않았던 모양이다.
다섯 번째 직장은, 네 번째 직장을 잃고 몇 달 논 뒤 어렵게 잡은 직장이었으므로 그저 감사한 마음으로 다녔다. 아침마다 출근할 곳이 있다는 걸 생각하면 1년 단위 비정규직이라는 것도, 네 번째 직장 월급의 반 정도밖에 안 되는 수입이라는 것도 큰 문제가 되지 않았다. 내가 서비스를 제공해야 하는 대상은 내게 적대적이었지만 나를 둘러싼 환경은 한없이 우호적이었다. 이 시기가 내 평생의 직장생활 중 가장 평온한 시기로 기억될 것이라는 걸 깨닫는 데는 그리 오랜 시간이 걸리지 않았다. 그리고 그 평온한 시간은 팔할이, 나의 직속상사 덕분이었다. 이전에도 이후로도, 내 생에 그런 상사와 일하는 호사는 오지 않을 것이다.
여섯 번째, 새로 얻은 직장에서 맡은 업무는, 아주 적대적인 환경에서, 나의 입장을 설득하고, 의지를 관철해야 하는 일이다. 사방이 ‘적’이다. 아직 일은 본격적으로 시작되지도 않았는데, 출근 2주 만에 벌써 관둘지 말지를 저울질하고 있다. 아무도 떠민 사람 없는데 혼자서 뛰쳐나와 놓고는.
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5월 17일 강남역 인근에서 20대 여성이 잔인하게 피살당했다. 범인은 ‘여자들이 자기를 무시해서’라는 이유를 남겼으나 경찰에 따르면 그것은 정신질환에 따른 피해망상의 결과라고 한다. 잘 알려진 이야기를 굳이 많이 할 필요는 없으니까 이 얘기는 여기까지.
잘 알려지지 않은 이야기
캐나다 퀘벡 주 몬트리올의 에콜 폴리테크닉. 이름에서 알 수 있듯 공과대학이다. 1989년 12월 6일 오후 마크 르팽이라는 남학생이 총기를 들고 수업 중인 교실에 들어와 위협한다. 그는 남학생은 모두 내보내고 여학생들만 구석으로 몰아넣은 후 차례로 쏘아 죽였다. “나는 페미니스트가 싫어요!” 나는 페미니스트가 아니라는 한 여학생의 협상시도도 소용없었다. 곧이어 그는 식당과 다른 강의실로 장소를 옮겨 총기를 난사했고, 그날 그에게 살해당한 사람은 모두 열네 명, 모두 여성이었다. 그녀들이 살해당한 까닭은 그들이 공대에 다니는 여자들이기 때문이었다. ‘감히’ 남자들의 영역에 발을 들여놓은 ‘죄’.
그는 평소 페미니스트를 죽이고 싶다고 했다고 하는데, 이후 ‘개인적 고통’을 토로한 메모가 발견되었으나 이 사건은 결국 여성혐오 범죄로 규정되었고(그렇게 되기까지 페미니스트들의 많은 노력이 있었고), 사건이 일어난 12월 6일은 여성폭력 추방의 날로 지정되어 해마다 기념식이 열리고, 기념식에서는 여성폭력 현황이 발표되고, 총리는 성명을 낸다. 괜히 ‘선진국’이 아니다.
이 끔찍한 사건은 한편 “여성과 광기”로 유명한 필리스 체슬러가 “죽이고 싶은 여자가 되라(원제: Letters to a Young Feminist)”라는 책을 쓰는 계기가 되었는데, 여기서 ‘죽이고 싶은 여자’가 바로 폴리테크닉 대학의 희생자를 가리킨다. 우리 모두에겐 그가 죽이고 싶어 했던 바로 그 여자가 되어야 할 책임이 있다고, 젊은 페미니스트들에게 그녀는 역설한다. (읽은지 오래 돼서 기억이 잘 안 나는데 위에 링크한 기사에 따르면 안드레아 드워킨이 한 말이라고 한다. 누가 먼저였는지 모르겠다. 아니면 체슬러가 드워킨을 인용한 것인지도.) 그 책을 읽은 후로 나 자신에게 가끔 묻는다. 나는 그가 죽이고 싶어 했던 그런 여자가 되어 가고 있는가?
마지막으로, 잘 알려지지 않은 책 이야기
“지금 이대로도 괜찮아”라는 아주 훌륭한 책이 있다. 일본 정신장애인 공동체를 소개한 책인데, 개인적으로는 내 성격이 극단적으로 이상해서 이것이 정신장애인 걸까 고민했을 때 ‘지금 이대로도 괜찮아’라는 큰 위안을 주었던 책이다. 그 책을 찬찬히 읽다 보면 정신장애에 대한 많은 편견을 깰 수 있다. 정신장애인들의 범죄율이 몹시 낮다는 사실, 그들 대부분은 폭력성을 드러내기보다 자기 안으로 침잠하는 사람들이라는 사실, 무엇보다 그들이나 비장애인이나 그저 주어진 삶을 치열히 사는 사람들일 뿐이라는 사실... 지금 사건을 수사 중인 경찰들에게 필독을 권한다.
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Hi! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog.
Is it hard to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal but I can figure things
out pretty quick. I'm thinking about making my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any points or suggestions?
Thank you
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신입생 오리엔테이션에서 통성명도 하고 얘기도 나눴던 땡땡이는 개강 첫날 못 알아볼 만큼 예쁜 옷을 입고 예쁘게 화장을 하고 왔다. 그래서 예의 차리느라 한마디 했다. "어머, 너 땡땡이니? 못 알아보겠다, 얘." 그러나 그에 대한 반응은 무(無)였다. 눈을 약간 치뜬 걸 반응이라고 할 수는 없을 테니까. 꽤 오랫동안 나는 그 아이가 나 같은 못생긴 시골뜨기가 말을 건 게 불쾌했기 때문에 그런 줄로만 알았다. 왜냐하면, 스무 살 나의 세상에는 대체 만났던 사람을 ‘기억하지 못한다’라는 옵션은 존재하지 않았으니까. 때문에 그의 그런 뜨악한 반응이 그 아이의 머릿속에 내가 존재하지 않았기 때문이라는 걸 깨닫는 데는 상당한 시간이 걸렸고, 단언컨대 그 작은 사건은 내가 대학에서 삐뚤어지게 된 아주 사소한 계기가 되었다. 아 물론 '이제 와 새삼 이 나이에' 그를 탓하려는 건 아니다.
좀 심한 경우도 있었다. 밀레니엄을 전후해 '아이러브스쿨'이 흥했을 때, 그때까지만 해도 본인의 성향을 미처 깨닫지 못한 쥔장(그러니까, 본인의 성향을 아는 지금은 카카오톡도 안 한다는 정도로만 얘기해둔다)은 한 친구에게 연락을 하게 된다. 그 친구로 말할 것 같으면, 초등학교 5학년 때 전학을 왔다가 6학년인가 중학교 1학년인가에 갑자기 다시 서울로 전학을 가버린 친구로서, 몇 년 안 되는 시간이지만 제법 잘 붙어 다녔던 남자애였다. 아무튼, 흔치 않은 이름이라(젠장, 지금도 기억 나네) 그를 아이러브스쿨에서 찾는 건 그리 어렵지 않았고, 냉큼 쪽지를 보냈다. 안녕, 나야. 잘 지냈니? 그리고 며칠 후 도착한 회신에는 미안하지만 누군지... 그 학교를 다니긴 했지만 본인이 기억하는 건 땡땡(나 아니다)이랑 땡땡(또 나 아니다)이...지만 어쨌든 이걸 계기로 친구가 될 수도 있겠다나 하는 헛소리가 적혀 있었다. 아 네, 그러시군요. 그럼 안녕히 계세요.
가장 최근에는 이전 글에 적은 선배 때문에 연락한 사람이었는데, 아 또 그로 말할 것 같으면 그 선배의 초중고대 동기이자 20년 동안 나와 같은 아파트 단지에서 자란 사람으로 당연히 대학 이후 모임에서도 몇 번 본 적이 있으며, 심지어 그의 동생 결혼식에도 참석한 사이(물론 동생과의 친분 때문이 아니라 엄마가 동네 아주머니들과 함께 오셔서이지만)다. 그런데 세상에 메일을 보냈더니 뭐라? 누군지 잘 모르겠다더니 아, 땡땡형 동생인가? 한다. 아 예, 땡땡형 동생 맞습니다, 맞고요.
이건 대체 내 기억력이 너무 좋은 게 문제인가, 그들이 모자라는 게 문제...라기엔 다들 제도권 교육 열심히 받고 밤낮으로 공부해서 빵빵한 학벌들이라는... 아 수업시간에 배운 거 외우느라 다른 게 머리에 들어갈 틈이 없는 것인가. 그렇담 내 머리엔 왜 수업시간에 배운 것들을 제외한 온갖 것들이 들어차 있는지 알 것도 같다.
초등학교 졸업 전부터 나는 이미 그를 알고 있었다. 어느 학교에나 특출나게 공부도 잘하면서 온갖 학생활동도 잘하는 사람이 흔한 건 아니니까. 그에게는 그만큼이나 예쁘고 공부 잘하는 여동생까지 있어서 그들 남매는 모두 학교에서 유명했고, 나 역시 그들을 잘 기억하고 있었다.
반면 그가 나를 알게 된 건 내가 고등학교를 졸업한 다음이다. 다른 학교와 함께 진행하는 고등학교 동문 모임(속칭 쪼인트 동문회)에서 나는 비로소 그와 인사를 나누었고, 우리는 서로 아는 사이가 되었다.
그를 만나는 건 늘 즐거웠던 것으로 기억한다. 어떤 사람을 ‘즐거움’으로 기억하는 건 참 쉽지 않은 일이나 그는 그 명석함에 어울리지 않게 성격까지 좋았다. 그리고 그는 내가 기억하는 한, 내가 만나본 그 학교 출신 중 거의 유일하게, 정말 똑똑한 사람이었다. (혹시 여기까지 읽고 똑똑함을 대학에 따라 나눈다고 오해할 분을 위한 첨언: 그의 학교는 관악구에 있는 국립대였다.) 게다가 그는 좋지 않은 이야기도 긍정적으로 할 줄 아는 사람이었으므로 그를 만나 얘기하고 노는 것은 즐거운 일이었다.
군대에 간 그는 종종 편지도 보내왔다. 한창 박홍 목사의 선동이 유행할 때라, 학과 이름 때문에 주사파로 오인 받은 이야기, 포에 손가락을 다친 이야기...들을 기억한다. 그리고 그는 내가 기억하는 한 유일하게, 내게 군대 면회라는 걸 경험하게 해 준 사람이었다.
그러구러 우리는 각자 졸업을 했고 취업도 했다. 그의 명함을 받아 챙긴 기억이 있으니 그래도 서른 즈음까지는 연락을 했었나 보다. 그리고 어느날 그는 내게 청첩장을 내밀었고, 그가 진심으로 행복하길 바라며 나는 아는 사람도 없는 그 결혼식에 혼자 씩씩하게 다녀왔다. 그러나 그 이후 우리는 딱히 더 가까워지거나 멀어지려 애쓰지 않았으므로 자연스레 각자의 삶을 살았고, 당연한 수순으로 연락은 끊기게 되었다. 한두 번 생각이 날 때면 잘 살겠거니, 잘 살아주겠거니 했을 뿐.
지난 주 한 모임에 갔다가 나는 우연히 그와 같은 회사를 다니는 것으로 추정되는 사람을 알게 되었다. 그가 다니던 회사가 이 회사가 맞던가? 그는 여전히 잘 사나? 싶어 그의 회사명과 이름을 구글에 입력해 보았고, 검색 결과는... 이미 몇 년 지나버린 그의 부고를 전하고 있었다. 어렵게 수소문해 들은 바, 사고라 했다.
나보다 고작 한 살 많은 그의 시간은, 내가 그의 부재를 모르고 지나쳐버린 그곳에 멈춰 있고, 나는 이미 그가 살아보지 못한 시간을 몇 년째 살고 있다. 기분이 이상하다. 그를 만나 가슴이 떨려 본 적이 있는 것도 아닌데, 그의 죽음에 책임이 있는 것도 아닌데, 알아야 했던 일을 당시에 알지 못했던 데 대한 안타까움일까. 남편에 이어 아들마저 먼저 보내게 돼 버린 그의 어머니에 대한 지나친 감정이입일까. 곰곰 생각하다 사실 그를 기억하면서 따라오는 키워드는 즐거움이 아니라 짠함, 이었다는 걸 깨닫는다. 그러므로 그는 누구보다 행복하게 잘 살았어야 했는데. 그러나 행복하게 잘 사는 것이 오래 오래 사는 것과 반드시 같지는 않으므로. 그의 생은 비록 짧았으나 충만하였길.